This is Lexi, A.K.A. Diplo-Dog. I am not my calm, loving self these days. There have been changes going on all around me. Lists everywhere, packing things in boxes, and the arrival of a new piece of furniture which we will call “THE PRISON CELL”. I suspect that this has something to do with this whole Prague thing that my parents have been babbling about for the past week. They are shameless in their excitement, and keep going on and on about “signs”.
Take for instance our brunch together this weekend. We sat outside at Cassis in St. Petersburg to dine. I was minding my own business munching on the “Pup Monsieur” (ham & cheese if you do not speak French) from the dog menu, when a gentleman at the very next table asked what breed I was. He had a very funny accent that I could not put my finger on as it didn’t sound like Spanish or anything else a bi-lingual dog like me is familiar with. My father was so excited to hear that it was Czech, that the iced-tea he was drinking almost came back out through his nose. My mother just started laughing. Go ahead and laugh Mommy dearest. I am not amused. Why you ask?
Let’s start with the LIST. My mother compiled a To-do-list and sent it to my father. His response: “OMG!!!!”. At least I made top billing.
I am not sure what I am the most upset about, but we will start with item #2. What the hell is this?????? They can call it a travel dog-house all they want, but to me it looks like a PRISON CELL. This piece of torture furniture arrived at our home this weekend. There are bars on it and a door to lock you in. Who are they kidding? I have never stepped foot in one of these, so why start now. If we are going to move, and the move involves airline travel, then I want a first class seat with movies and preferably an upgraded meal!
My mother deserves some credit I suppose as she seems to be making my comfort a priority. She has spent the last 4 days spending much of her free time in the cell, taken to eating and knitting in there. She put some of my favorite toys in there as well, but I was savvy enough to rescue them.
Back to the LIST.
My transportation by air is turning into a logistical nightmare for my parents. Well deserved I think. There are apparently many ways to get from the East Coast of the United States to Prague, but not so many with a large dog. My mother insisted that we find a non-stop flight to minimize the “stress on the dog”. Just give me a Xanax please. The only non-stop flight is from NYC on Delta. Unfortunately, Delta switched it’s aircraft to the new 767’s which will not accept dogs as cargo. Score one for Diplo-Dog. Maybe I am off the hook after all. No such luck! This is all complicated by the fact the we must fly on an American or code-share carrier. Research has continued for days, and flights have been eliminated by size of aircraft, and other regulations about quarantine or time in transit. Time in transit?? They expect me to take 2 flights? How long am I supposed to hold it in? My bladder is not much bigger than my mother’s. I refuse to pee on myself. That would be disgusting for a lady-like dog of my stature. So we are now down to 2 options:
1: Fly on Lufthansa/United Airlines to Prague through Frankfurt. At least Lufthansa has their act together and has a lounge where I can relieve myself properly.
2. Fly non-stop to Vienna on Austria/United Airlines even though my parents must be ticketed through to Prague. This will be more of a stealth move as my father’s travel orders take him to his final destination. Apparently, we might “jump ship” or “plane” and drive from there. Except, what if there is a mistake and I get lost in “Cargo”?
Yes, I think they should drug me. Starting now. Or at least feed me turkey full of tryptophan to calm my nerves. Giving me amino acids and a pheromone collar to calm me just sounds like homeopathic bullshit. Pheromones to imitate the smell of a mother dog. What, am I stupid?
Now for the rest of the list. Why on earth are they ordering dog food to send in our household effects shipment? I hate that stuff. It is a last resort for me to eat at 11PM every night when I am starving. I will gladly settle for a new diet of dumplings and gravy. Don’t waste your money. Treats I will gladly take. Please plan on sending a large box of those gourmet peanut butter cookies!
As for my health — I appreciate your concern about ticks, fleas and heart-worm, but must I be subjected to 2 vet visits and a barrage of shots before we go? I am not a pin cushion.
I am just afraid and a bit angry. Seeing that my mother is doing her best to comfort me with extra belly rubs and love helps. I hate to admit it, but the crate is not so bad either. I snuck in there for a nap today when she wasn’t looking. I hope she didn’t notice because Dad & I get some enjoyment watching her curl up in there.